If you are newly pregnant you are at grave risk – unless you are careful – of finding your next nine months locked in bump to bump combat, part of a Gladiator-style race against other pregnant mums. Few of us can escape the pressure to have a competitive pregnancy so I say you might as well throw in the towel and just go for it. Basically you need to decide whether you are going to be a Stickthin or a Supersizer.
Stickthins and Supersizers
Stickthins like Victoria Beckham carry their bump with flair, as if it were a Prada purse and not twenty pounds of lumbering flesh and embryonic fluid. The ultimate prestige in this category is when a stranger assumes you are much further along than you actually are. If you are the kind of pregnant woman who can start stick thin and stay stick thin throughout her pregnancy (but with a small bump), you have a good chance of competing with the Stickthins. But let’s face facts here most of us would have an easier job competing with the Supersizers. I did, twice.
Now, both these groups are in a race against each other. While Stickthins vie to put on the least amount of weight over the nine months (often demonstrated by showing off that they have such incredible will power that they can follow a healthy eating plan such as the one in What to Expect When You’re Expecting), Supersizers will grab the chance to eat for two and will tell anyone who is listening what a huge amount of weight they are carrying.
Supersizers will compete with other Supersizers to see who can put on the most weight during pregnancy, while at the same time pretending that they are eating healthily, and I say, hey, ‘healthy’ is open to interpretation. Under the crazed influence of pregnancy hormones, many Supersizers (including myself) have been known to interpret two Big Macs eaten before bed as healthy, provided there is a lettuce leaf in between the patties.
It goes without saying that Stickthins will be at the gym every day throughout, treadmilling or Stairmastering up until the day their waters break, determined to put on as little weight as possible.
And when that particular contest is over, it’s time to get down to the next one, that of giving birth. There are two categories in the birthing category: I Had More Complications That You Did with extra brownie points for those who had several false labours which turned out to be undigested tacos and I Had A Natural Birth It Was Ever So Painful But It Was Worth It with extra points awarded to those who did not use expletives or bite their partners during the excruciating pain of undrugged labour.
So, have fun competing! Then take a breather and pat yourself on the back before getting stuck into the next challenge – that of being a competitive parent!